The monster inside

I guess we all have this little insecurity monster. A liar you are if you ever declined whenever people ask whether you ever ever did have the feeling of "they are better than me, they live my dreams, i envy their success". Envy and jealousy is good in some way, but if it is overdose this may lead to self-pity. Jealousy and insecurity is an antagonist to our life story.

Why compare yourself with others? There is not a single person in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you are

Tulis BM lah baru ade feel. Mula-mula ingatkan aku nak berbahasa omputis sebab konon-konon nampak lebih dramatik. Tapi takut tak tersampai pulak mesej yang aku nak tujukan pada seseorang. Tapi dalam masa yang sama aku rojakkan dengan English ye sebab ade sesetangah benda lebih telus bila digunakan ayat BI. Curlas kan entry khas untuk hang.. hahaha.. Guwa demam hari ni dan URTI. Asyik batuk-batuk berlarutan selama 3 hari sampai tak boleh tidur. Hari ni suara mek dah tak ade noks. Kalau patient datang japgi harus ak guna sign language je. 

Pernah tak kadang-kadang terasa dan terlintas camni;

"Eh, kenapa lah hidup Si Natasya (name rekaan sahaja ye) best sangat. Dah lah anak orang kaya, cantik, bijak. Kerja dokter pakar sakit puan. Dah kahwin, husband hensem dan romantik. Anak die MasyaAllah kiut sangat!! Aku ni sekolah sama-sama dengan dia. Tapi tak tercapai hasrat nak jd dokter, mampu jadi nurse je. jangan kata yang hensem, muka macam Mat Rempit pun tak ada nak ngorat aku. Pastu bulan-bulan miskin je habis duit bayar hutang. Haih..."

Don't! Just DON'T do that! The more you do this, the more you are hiding your inner potential. Your self-confidence. Yes,  by doing this you will lower your self-confident. Jealousy is the monster who will whisper on your good days and shout on your bad days. The day when you are dancing in the sunlight, it will goes; "it doesn't really matter, nobody sees anyway, nobody cares". Whilst when you fall down under and the self-doubt come to visit to make everything worsen that it actually did; "you are a loser, you unlucky and you will never even get close to your dream" which the insecurity monster later came and caught you in self-comparison which will make you feared of not just being any number in the race, but of being the last. 

We human being will only see what we choose to see. Peah, awak memang nampak Natasya tu hidupnya lagi best. Kaya, cantik dan perfect serba-serbi. Itu luaran. Mana awak tahu Natasya tu ada masalah lain? Depress sebab beliau doktor. Mana nak jaga anak, mana nak jaga suami. Takut suami kena kebas lah sebab suami tu muda, hensem, engineer lagi dan ada Scirocco. haaaa... Perempuan-perempuan murahan kan memang suka menggoda suami orang. Tambah-tambah suami Natasya tu masih muda. Ada macam-macam jenis ujian Allah boleh timpakan pada hamba-hambaNya. Jangan ingat luaran tu dah penentu kayu ukur kebahagiaan. Lain orang, lain definisinya. kadang-kadang kesempurnaan hidup tu pun satu ujian. Bila dah ada semua Allah nak tengok sejauh mana awak bersyukur ataupun kufur nikmat. Mungkin kalau awak ditempat Natasya awak dah tersasar. Riak, takbur. Who knows? Lagipun, orang gile je yang gembira hari-hari. 

"Tapi dulu waktu sekolah Natasya ni pemalas betul orangnya. Dah la kuat tidur, time orang sibuk study nak exam dia rileks je tidur awal, bangun lambat. Tapi exam cemerlang, last-last dia jadi dokter, aku jadi misi je! Tak aci!"

In one point, apa kurangnya kerja misi? Gaji dekat sama je. Misi lagi berjasa dari doktor kot. Doktor datang cek-cek dan berlalu. Misi? Kalau tak ada misi siapa nak tolong pesakit-pesakit kat wad makan, pegi tandas. Dan kadang-kadang misi jadi substitute doktor tahu tak. Mulianya kerja misi. Cuma tak ada appraisal la. jarang orang pandang misi ni. Bila sebut doktor semua orang terbeliak-beliak bijik mata kagum. Tapi bila sebut kerja awak misi, semua macam buat-buat tak dengan. hanya cengkerik je yang berkicau riang sebab dia tak tahu awak tengah cakap pasal apa. Hihik... Oh, rupa-rupanya Peah depress sebab jadi misi tak ada orang salute. Sebab tu lah jeles dengan Natasya. Niat tu dah lari. So, ask yourself Peah. Will you be an honest doctor? Mungkin Allah tak bagi awak jadi doktor ada sebabnya kan?

You can sprint, keep track of time and efforts, but God is still God. All your running to keep up, beat the next person who is just 'hauling his butt'  means nothing if both of you are on a treadmill while his' is 10 feet ahead of you. He will still be a winner and you are going nowhere fast. The truth is, God has plan. Allah choose Peah and choose Natasya to be in their own life. This is something we can never change and do anything about. You have to able to be happy and grateful with your life or else you will tuck with your feet firmly mud of jealousy and you will keep focusing on other's life while yours actually is more worth to live with.



p/s: Heyyy pardon my broken English!!